Sometimes I hate fatshionista.

Hey, I know! Let's waste our time and internet space arguing about the most pointless thing EVER!

In other frustrating fat-related news, I had my $27 facial appointment at the Christine Valmy International School on Friday.

Like I mentioned before, I am totally agog over cheap and free spa/beauty treatments, so this was a highly anticipated event for me. But, while the facial itself was enjoyable, the before and after was fairly humiliating.

First of all, I didn't realize that the entire facial would take place in the same room as everyone else getting a facial. There were about 20 beds in the main room in two rows with about 3 feet in between each bed, so it was pretty cramped. But, it is New York and space is at a premium. And also, given that it was a school and not a high end salon, I kind of shrugged my shoulders at the less than ideal space.

Then, to my horror, the woman doing my facial asked me to strip down to my bra and panties in the bathroom and gave me a PAPER GOWN to put on. Yes, just like the ones you get at the doctor's office, ONLY FLIMSIER. And I was instructed to leave the open part in the front. Wooooohoo! Not surprisingly, the "one size fits all" gowns were too small for my extra-bodacious ass, so as soon as I tried to put it on, it ripped neatly in half down the back. Of course at this point I was also already sweating because the bathroom stall is tiny and when I'm rushed or nervous, I sweat. Not glow, like ladies do, but sweat, like a fat horse with heatstroke in a derby. I had to get re-dressed, lest I dared walk down the long hallway half naked, and asked for a new gown. Thankfully, the woman doing my facial was extremely sweet and gracious, and got me a new one immediately. The new gown also ripped, but not as bad, so I clutched my clothes in front of my open gown and scuttled down the hall past the classrooms full of beauty school students in white labcoats.

Since the bed was a little higher than waist-level, I had to sort of do a little shimmy-dance to try and maneuver myself onto it without 1) ripping the gown further, and 2) at the same time, trying to hold the gown closed so that I didn't panty-flash the whole room. Neither goal was achieved. I continued to sweat, which only worsened when I was put under a thick wool blanket once I was laid down on the table. Thankfully, the woman giving me the facial left for a minute to prep, which I used as an opportunity to mop my face off.

Like I said earlier, the actual facial was nice (I love extractions!), except for the fact that the technician didn't wash off all of the face mask she used, thereby leaving unattractive little presents behind for me and my girlfriend to rub off afterwards. But definitely worth the $27 + tip for the service itself.

Predictably, when the facial was over, the gown ripped off of me completely when I sat up. And thank freaking jesus, the technician was so so so sweet and helped shield me from the rest of the room while helping me put on a new paper gown for my trip back to the bathroom. Thank god I wore cute underwear?

Next time, of course, I am bringing my own freaking robe.