Livejournal, though I have abandoned ye for the last year+, I would be remiss if I did not celebrate this journal's *10 year anniversary*, which is today.

One decade ago, a feisty 20 year old college coed sat down to a blank text box on her computer to spill her guts to the world (or at least a small corner of the internet). This journal has been many things to me: a diary, a fashion/food/friend photo blog, a political hitching post, and a place to explore my relationship to sex, love, friends, anger, joy, and life through words.

I've missed this thing as a place where I used to find such support and community, and I miss having so much of my dailies documented. But, I also don't miss the (self-created) pressure I used to feel to always have a story ready, and to let everyone in on my most intimate details.

They say that your 30s is all about coming into who you were meant to be. Last week, I rang in 30 in the Catskills with 10 cherished friends, old and not-so-old, and god was it wonderful. I felt so happy and truly at home with myself and the people I've chosen to have in my life.

I haven't written about it here, but this past year, and really, this whole Saturn Return has been so affirming for me. It started off with a nasty bang (remember The Lawyer?), but god have I changed (and for the better!) since that time. All is well and thriving in home, work, and love, and believe it or not, I feel that I owe a lot of that to this thing. And y'all, who have been there for me for the past 10 years if you can believe it!

In February, I read a piece at Queer Memoir about the worst of my worst date stories (remember Spongebob?), which was first born here.



So many of my best and most important stories live here, and I really do hope that this isn't the end of the line for this thing, but rather a step into something new that feels just as good and right as it used to.

Livejournal, most everyone (including myself) may have abandoned you, but goddamn do I have so much to thank you for. So, thank you.

You saw it here first!

I'll crosspost this to fatshionxchange tomorrow, but y'all get first chance at buying!

I only accept Paypal. Priority shipping in the U.S. ranges from $5-$8 depending on the weight or awkward shape of the item. I can calculate non-U.S. shipping online as well. Multiple items can be combined for $2 extra per item. Comment with your email, and I will invoice you!

Onto the sales! Click on any item to enlarge the photo.DRESSES

Are you a size 2/4/XS/S? My dumb ass shrunk this *gorgeous* one of a kind mint-condition vintage dress in the wash, and now it's for sale! Cream Jackie O/Mad Men-style wool dress with black stitching & button detail - Size 2/4/XS/S (B: 34 / W: 30 / H: 34) - $35


Black & white silk polka dot halter dress - size 18 (B: 50-52 / W: 40-46 / H: 66-76) - $22


Strawberry Shortcake thin cotton zip-front dress / (B: 45 / W: 47 H: 54) / $25

( More, more, MORE under the cut! )

Just about to end this long, tiring day in my new bedroom!

The movers were 2.5 hours late, but were two very sweet guys with whom I had lovely chats. One of them was an older man who was a social worker for many decades and got laid off, so is now working for this moving company. He was very sweet and father-like in a way that I actually found endearing instead of paternalistic. He made me promise to put up curtains so people couldn't peep at me and get a second lock because my door lock isn't all that strong. Heh. The other guy was in his early-20s and I think was flirting with me in this very shy sweet way. Several people in my new building randomly thought that we were together and welcomed us both to the building.

People were so friendly on both ends. The little kids who lived downstairs from me at the old place saw us moving stuff and offered to help. The youngest, who is about 9, brought a few things down until his father found out and flew into a fitful rage. I could hear him screaming at his son from a floor up, and heard him accuse the movers of being pedophiles. WTF?! Which is especially sad not only because it clearly isn't true, but also because the older guy was so sweet that when the kid first started helping, he gave me $4 of his own money to "tip" the kid so he could buy ice cream.

We also had a bunch of guys offer to help us in my new building, and a sweet little boy came up to me while I was waiting by the elevator with my stuff to ask me my name and if I was moving in.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that New Yorkers are mean!

Anyway, my body feels wrecked from all the lifting and bending and standing, but I couldn't be happier. I took my very first bath in my beautiful tub that was built perfectly for a leisurely soak. Did you know that in the 4 years I lived at my old place, I only took a bath ONCE? I have a feeling that this will change in my new apartment.

I really do need to get my curtains up, because people can see directly into my window, so no naked bedroom dancing just yet, but it will happen soon. Oh yes.

Many of us are Facebook friends, so this will be old news, but today is moving day!

I am *finally* moving out of my old place, which is out of the way and shared with 2 roommates, and into a new place, which is in a more centrally-located neighborhood and IT'S ALL MINE! Yes, I am finally living alone, and I could not be happier!

I have been so excited about this that I have barely been able to sleep! All I can think about is how tomorrow morning, I'll wake up in a whole new place, and I can do shit like walk around naked, not question whose mess it is in the kitchen, play loud music if I wanna, and indulge in all of my favorite Secret Single Behaviors anytime, anywhere. OH YES. Also, I'll now be walking distance from zcme instead of an hour away on public transit. Woohoo!

I took some photos of the place with my phone when I saw it for the first time. More pictures to come once I start moving in and my new home starts to take shape!



I think of all its features, I'm most excited about my fancy new kitchen, which includes a DISHWASHER, a rarity in your average NYC apartment. Be still my heart.

Anyway, today is moving day, and I can barely sit still I'm so excited! Off to throw my last few possessions in a bag and get my ass in gear!


p.s. Expect a massive clothing sale upcoming in the next couple of weeks!

Culinary School Co-Worker and I hung out yesterday and he decided to make chicken tomatillo stew with guacamole and homemade chips. Of course, I had to photo-document the entire thing.

(And yes, everything was as delicious as it looks.)


Tomatillos and jalapeños ready to roast.


We butchered our own chicken into 8 pieces.


The chicken, after being seared in the cast-iron skillet.


After the tomatillos and jalapeños were roasted, we sauteed some shallots and put them in the skillet with the chicken, some chicken broth, and a bay leaf. This simmered for an hour.
( Guacamole, chips & the finale below the cut... )

I forgot to take pictures of dessert, but I brought a peach blueberry pie and some raspberry linzer cookies.

Did I also mention that it was all really inexpensive, and the meal actually cost us less than $20 to make?

Fuck, that was a good meal.

I've been on vaycay with my family for the past several days, and despite some worries about having to endure days on end of the battle of being fat in my family, things have actually been going pretty well. There's the usual amount of bickering, but what's a family if not for perfecting the twin arts of the snappy retort and the mile high eyeroll? That's normal.

On our first day here, we were greeted with a bit of a shock - my sister found a semi-automatic rifle in the dresser drawer of her room. It was the kind of gun that had a clip with room for more than a dozen bullets. In fact, there was a clip accompanying the gun with several bullets already in it. So, the kind of gun good for things like drive-bys and elementary school shoot-outs.



Did I also mention that my sister is staying in a room with 2 twin beds, meaning that the gun was nestled away in the drawers of a room where an actual child could have very well been sleeping? Theories about how said gun arrived here abound; my current favorite involves a criminal on the run who realizes that an out-of-the-way beach house on an island in Virginia is the perfect place to stash a gun after a wild crime-spree. It's an appealing theory, but probably only because I've been watching too many television crime dramas (*coughcoughBreakingBadcoughcough*). However, judging by the number of "I'm in the NRA and I vote" stickers on the cars here, Occam's Razor likely prevails.

But familial arguments and semi-automatic rifles aside, it's been a nice trip. I've been really stressed out at work lately, and a week off is just what the doctor ordered.




There have been margaritas on a dock at sunset, laying in the sun on the beach, playing in ocean waves, daily crabbing with the apparent endless joy of catching my food and eating it an hour later (who knew I'd enjoy such a thing?), rousing games of mahjong, bike rides in marshes filled with mosquitoes and other, more attractive wildlife like wild ponies, deer, egrets, and a tortoise that decided to cross the road.




Tomorrow, I head back up north with my sister and will get to NYC sometime in the early evening. As the summer comes to a close, I can't stop fantasizing about what the fall will look like. In my dreams, I see tights of all colors, $5 pashmina scarves, high-waisted skirts, crisp apples, root vegetables, and other kinds of new beginnings that have nothing to do with food or fashion.

Gotta go, y'all. There's a crab trap, an alcoholic beverage, and a sunset with my name on them.

How is summer already 2/3 over?

I'm still on a bit of a livejournal, Facebook, and general internet hiatus, but I'm alive! It's strange not to know what's going on with you people, but I have to say that it's actually been pretty relaxing when I'm not reading 100+ posts a day.

I fully intend to be back soon, so in the meantime, you're getting a mini photo travelogue instead.




1. San Francisco near Dolores Park.
2. Vancouver! L to R: Me, stitchtowhere, teanut, patonina & coco73.
3 & 4 - Doughnuts from Top Pot Doughnuts in Seattle!
5. Me & the knockout teanut.
6. Jett, Ridley & Me.

( More travel photos, livejournalers and food porn beneath the cut! )

Holy damn, friends, my birthday party was uh-MAY-zing!

At the smart prompting of TDR, I got my lazy ass up at 8am on Saturday to begin cooking and didn't stop until the guests started arriving around 7:30. Everything turned out marvelously! The pork shoulder was off the fucking hook - so tender and flavorful! The sweet potato coconut curry soup was pretty perfect (although I like it better with chicken broth, but needed to have some vegan options), and the garlic basil butter I made was probably my biggest hit. Folks also seemed to like the homemade kalamata pasta sauce that I made.

Oh! And my dessert was pretty fucking heavenly. I made these rich, yet fluffy lemon cupcakes and served them with strawberries and blueberries, and my homemade cardamom cinnamon whipped cream.

We all ate really well! Guests also brought some delicious treats of their own, including chicken from Popeye's (yeah, Tania!), veggie chili, homemade pate, homemade bread, and kale and arugula pesto.

Anyway, so it was just positively lovely to be surrounded by my awesome friends and my hot date all night. About 25 or so folks showed up and we really did it up right. I absolutely love it when my favorite people in the world get to meet each other, and many folks came up to me during the evening to tell me what wonderful people I have in my life. I agree. The DC crew came up to see me, and were in as fine a form as ever!

I also had two performances during the evening that kind of blew everyone away. Miasia belly danced for us, using her fans and sword. The looks on my friends' faces (especially the ones who had never seen her perform) were priceless. That girl has some fucking moves, and she wasn't shy about showing them to us.

She performed to two more traditional songs, showing us her floor work with her giant sword before launching into Missy Elliott's Lose Control, which everyone ate up like a sundae. She looked gorgeous in her beautiful green costume, which shook and shimmied with her hips. I think I had a permagrin on my face throughout her entire performance.

After Miasia, TDR did the most incredible strip tease for me EVER. I knew that she was performing and that it was going to be "messy," but she didn't really give me more details than that.

She walked into the room with a pizza box and my trenchcoat and ripped it off to reveal a pair of booty shorts, a vest, and suspenders. Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me began playing, and it was ON. I was so twitterpated that I began fanning myself immediately. She danced around, grinding on me and showing off for the audience before reaching into the pizza box and pulling out a bottle of gingerale. Which she shook vigorously and then (you guessed it), sprayed it all over herself. Later, she explained to me that it was a metaphor for our sex life. Haha!

At that point, my friends went wild. They had already been cheering her on, but at this point, they knew that they were in for a bit of a mess.

After the gingerale, she pulled out a can of whipped cream, pulled off the cap and handed it to me so I could (you guessed it), spray it all over her while she rubbed it all over her body. H-H-H-HOT.

And then, my friends, then came the crown jewel of the performance. TDR pulled a cupcake with a candle in it out of her pizza box, lit the candle, and put it on her back so I could take it. I think at that point, everyone in the audience let out a big Awwwwwwwwww! I think I did too. I took the cupcake while TDR danced around a bit more and then somehow, I ended up on the floor with her, rolling around in gingerale and whipped cream and half humping her while my friends roared with laughter. When the song finished, TDR came over to me, I picked her up and carried her off to my bedroom, which elicited a loud cheer from the crowd too.

Basically, it was probably the sweetest gift any lover has ever given to me, and seriously made my birthday feel even more special.

My god, I can't even express to you all just how wonderful it was to have an apartment full of people who I love and adore and who love and adore me back, eating delicious food and enjoying each others' company. As you all know, I'm such a birthday diva, and what I got was exactly what I wanted!

After the performances, the party started winding down, but a bunch of friends were sleeping over, so we stayed up for awhile, chatting and giggling and getting more intoxicated. We had originally intended to go out dancing afterward, but at that point, we were all a bit exhausted.

Yesterday was my actual birthday, and after brunch with TDR and my ladies, TDR and I have been hanging out in the 'burbs at her mom's house. In a few, we're headed to the beach near her house for a few before moving on to the next portion of the day. We're going to Spa Castle in northern Queens, a Korean spa that brags five floors, pools, waterfalls, fancy saunas (including one plated in gold!), a tv lounge, and a juice bar. And the best part? An all day pass is only $35! Ahhhh, I can't wait!

So yes, 29 has started out quite auspiciously. If it's true what they say about the beginning of your year representing how the rest of it is going to be, then I have a feeling that this year is going to be pretty damn wonderful.

Well, it's that time of year again!

In just 5 days, I turn the big 2-9, and I am pretty freaking excited about it!

This year, I'm just having one celebration on one coast, but it should be faaabulous. I'm having a lovely dinner party potluck at my place (NYC folks, come on by!), which is made even better by the fact that I finally bought a dining room table that I can put food on.

There will also be 2 dance performances, one by Miasia and the other by TDR (who will be wearing something very special and skimpy for the occasion). I also have my birthday dress on the way in the mail (thanks, Rachel Cupcake!), and a bangin' dinner menu planned. I'm going to roast a pork shoulder and get some homemade tortillas from the tortilla factory and some salsa verde to go with. I'll also be making my vegan sweet potato coconut curry soup and some vegetarian pasta with homemade pasta sauce. The signature cocktail is going to be pineapple juice with seltzer or champagne and a twist of lime. If I could get Meyer lemons, I'd do that instead of lime, but I can't seem to find them anywhere!

Oh, and for dessert, I'm going to make a modified version of strawberry shortcake with lemon cupcakes, a strawberry-blueberry mixture, and homemade whipped cream.

Fuck, I'm drooling just thinking about it!

But you know, not only am I excited about my party, I'm also excited to celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of the next. 28 was absolutely a growth year for me, sometimes painful, but mostly insightful and sorely needed. It felt Saturn Return-y, but not in a heartrending way. Emotionally, I changed and grew more during my 28th year than I did in probably the last 5 years combined. I feel happier and more healthy (mentally and physically) than I have in a long time, and I owe that not just to my own hard work, but also to the undying support of my beautiful friends and community.

And to conclude, here's my fantasy world capitalistic birthday wish list for all you wannabe sugar parents out there:



An oceanside villa, please. Which ocean is negotiable (except for maybe the Arctic).

Spring is endless brunches with good friends. Spring is feeling the pink blush of a blossoming romance. Spring is laying in the park with your new sweetie, listening to The Smiths on the same ipod, one earbud in your ear and the other in hers. Spring is finally feeling the sun on your skin. Spring is breaking out your favorite new outfit and putting away the goddamned boots. Spring is sipping your iced coffee on the sidewalk and walking, not driving, to your destination. Spring is turning another year older and sometimes, another year wiser. Spring is the hardest laughter your belly can muster. Spring is dreaming up the wildest, most ambitious plans you can think up, and believing that you can actually make them happen. Spring is driving down the highway with the windows down on the bluest day of the year, looking at the water sparkling to your right, the looming bridge ahead, and nearly crying from the beauty of the moment. Spring is one beautiful moment after another. Spring is holding hands at the movies and whispering jokes to each other throughout. Spring is opening windows and relishing the cool gusts of air on your chest. Spring is letting go of your rough winter skin and letting your softest insides peek out, just a little bit at a time.


Spring, I'm feelin' you.

Just found out yesterday at work that I get to go to the 4th Annual Critical Race Studies Symposium on Intersectionality at UCLA featuring all sorts of academic and activist all stars that make me totally drool with anticipation and excitement!

I booked my ticket and everything! Also, because so much of the lodging was already sold out, I get to stay at the mega swanky Luxe Hotel in a room like this.

Who wants to come over and jump on the bed with me?!

The program is going to be hella packed, so I don't think there will be much time or energy for me to go out and make trouble (12 hour conference days!), but I've never been to LA before, and I definitely want to see at least a little bit of the city!

Some of the sessions/workshops happening that make my panties moist are:

* APPLIED INTERSECTIONALITY: COMMUNITY ACCOUNTABILITY OF VIOLENCE IN COMMUNITIES OF COLOR
* EMPLOYMENT DISCRIMINATION IN A NON-BINARY WORLD: INTERSECTIONALITY, MASCULINITY, SEGREGATION, AND INSTITUTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY
* UNDER-EXAMINED INTERSECTIONALITIES
* TOWARDS AN INTERSECTIONAL ANALYSIS OF HEALTH
* WHAT CONSTITUTES THE "EVIDENCE OF RACISM" IN A "POST-RACIAL SOCIETY"? INTERSECTIONALITY AND THE POLITICS OF RECOGNITION
* PUNISHMENT
* SEXUAL IDENTITIES REPRESENTATION AND VULNERABILITY

My weekend involved a trip to Philly, excellent Burmese food (I think I'm officially addicted and need to find a Burmese place in NYC STAT), a hot late nite date with Truck Driver Rockstar, celebration of Naima's birthday via a trip to the Russian Spa (where I did not pay to get beaten with eucalyptus branches by a large Russian man, pictured below), a femme sleepover with Genne, Miasia, and Genne's hot new lover M, attending an excellent memoir-in-progress reading by Kelli's girlfriend Cheryl B, and a delightful brunch the morning after said sleepover involving some of the prettiest purple potatoes I ever did see.

See for yourself!

I think this is the first time since I've moved to NYC that I've gotten to stay home because of snow. Yeah! I mean, I *am* still working from home, but it's always a treat to do work in my pajamas.

Right now, I'm taking my lunch break and am looking wistfully out of the window watching the snow fall hard and pile onto the street. This is going to be real gross to venture out in later on.

What better way to spend a snowy lunch break than to be real nosy?

Poll #1523890 Entertain me!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 28

In your opinion, which of the following is the most uncreative and annoying Valentine's gift?

Favorite board or card game?

Right now, I'm listening to:

Animals dressed in human clothes. Your thoughts?

In 10 minutes, you find $100 lying on the ground that you must spend frivolously. How?

Tell me something good.

This is turning out to be a lovely weekend, and I still have a whole 'nother day left. Lucky me!

I got to spend some fun time cooking a delicious dinner with my hot date on Friday night, and what we turned out of the kitchen was bangin'. There was pan-seared salmon topped with a delicious pan sauce made from soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, lots of ginger, hot peppers, garlic, sesame seeds, and sesame oil. There was also a salad made with cabbage, radishes, carrots, alfalfa sprouts, and tomatoes with a homemade carrot ginger dressing. We also had soba noodles with the soy-ginger sauce that was on the salmon. In-fucking-credible, I tell you!

For dessert, I made a simple pear-cherry-walnut ginger crisp with my standard cinnamon-nutmeg-cardamom whipped cream.


I make different versions of this same dessert pretty often because 1. it's my favorite, and 2. it's so incredibly simple and kind of hard to fuck up.

This morning, I had the lovely Nicolette over for brunch and made her some scrambled eggs with roasted portobello mushrooms and red onions, a hot crusty baguette, and sliced bosc pears and blood oranges.


See the pretty roses she brought me? Who doesn't love a chivalrous femme?!

After brunch, we played dress up and she twisted my arm and convinced me to do a little photo shoot with my vintage repro hat and black satin gloves.




I had some one-on-one quality time with my dirty laundry in the laundromat, and then after she got off work, I got to spend a little more fun time with my date telling stories, cooking dinner (leftover cauliflower puree, leftover salad from last night, and parmesan-lemon-thyme porkchops), and playing Scrabble.

On deck from tomorrow: celebrating Bryn's birthday with brunch and more delicious food. Could life get any better? I think not.

Last night, Zoe and I went to Tabla for a scrumptious meal.

Tabla is actually very near where I work, but I had never been there because it's on the pricey side. But, Fresh Direct is offering a $25 off coupon if you buy one of Tabla's frozen entrees, so we decided to take advantage of the deal and dine like princesses.

Sadly, I forgot my nice camera, but the lighting in the dining area was so good that my iphone did an adequate job at capturing how pretty our dishes were.

They started us off with some yummy complimentary snacks.


Curried dried chickpeas / Pickled carrots / Curried popcorn
We also both got really beautifully flavored juices.


Zoe's mango lassi and my juice, which had passion fruit, mango, lime, and pineapple in it. Yum!
For our entree, we both got the sea scallops with radicchio, coconut, and shrimp flakes.


I found the radicchio to be too bitter for my tastes, but the scallops were perfectly cooked and well seasoned. We also split the roasted cauliflower curry with tamarind, coconut milk & ginger and the orange basmati pilaf with toasted almonds.


The dinner was good (a solid B+), but the dessert was really the show-stopper of the evening. They had doughnut holes made to order with orange blossom essence & a trio of sauces (caramel, vanilla rum & chocolate) on their extensive dessert menu, and can a fat girl resist a doughnut? I THINK NOT.


We left stuffed, and very happy! The dinner was good, if a little overpriced, but we both agreed that we would come back again and again just for those doughnuts. Fucking hell, they were good!

Last night for dinner, I pulled out the fancy cast-iron skillet that I got for Christmas from my parents and made a show-stopping (for me and my culinary skill level, anyway) dinner.

* I pan-seared a chicken breast with rosemary, lemon zest, salt and pepper.
* I also roasted some portabella mushrooms with salt, pepper, rosemary and truffle oil.
* And, I made a spinach salad with walnuts, bosc pear, and red onion topped with a salad dressing I made from olive oil, champagne vinegar, and honey.

No pictures because it wasn't as pretty as it was delicious, but I'm working on my presentation skillz.

While we were in the DR, much of our time was spent cooped indoors, which meant that there was ample time for us to be ridiculously silly with each other.

One of my favorite moments from the trip was when I shared this Failblog post with everyone and we laughed so hard that we couldn't breathe.

See for yourself!



I can't exactly explain why infinite loop was so fucking hilarious to us, but I just re-read it and couldn't help but laugh again.

Q: What did we do to amuse ourselves before we had the metanet?

I just realized that I never posted the rest of my vaycay pictures. Oops!

Well, here's the synopsis: after our first day and a half of sun, it rained. A lot. For the rest of the week. Until the day that we left for the airport. Oh yeah, and there was also an earthquake (which only Miasia felt, since the rest of us were on a very bumpy road in a Jeep) and a tsunami warning. SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!

Luckily, we all still managed to have a lovely time despite the terrible weather and the tragic current events.



1. This is what it looked like outside of our window pretty much all week. FUCKING RAIN!
2. Our roadtrip on the northern coast of the DR. There were lots of livestock on the way.
3. What the coast looked like about 2 hours before the earthquake hit.
4. I don't actually drink beer, but I play like I do on film.

( More under the cut! )

Well, we certainly had a bit of a scare last night.

Naima, Zoe, Tania, and I were taking a drive down the northern coast yesterday afternoon, and decided to stop at an ATM on our way back. Next to the ATM was a pharmacy advertising Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra for sale. Curious about what the female version of Viagra might do, we half-jokingly discussed the possibility of getting some for recreational use. We got out of the car and crossed the street, and an older white woman stopped us short. With urgency in her voice, she warned us that people were closing up shop because there was a tsunami warning, and that it was supposed to happen in one hour.

We walked to the ATM, a bit stunned, and began to discuss what we might do and whether or not it was safe to stay in our villa, which has about 40% glass walls and is also extremely close to the beach. I immediately began panicking and downed a couple of benzos. "If we die, at least I'll feel calm about it," I said dryly. Tania got out her Blackberry, and found news reports of a terrible earthquake that had just happened in Haiti an hour before. We realized that we must not have felt it because we were in the car at the time, driving on a road riddled with potholes that would have masked any feelings of the earth shaking that we otherwise might have noticed.

After getting out cash, we drove straight back to our place and pulled up to the property office, which was closed. I cursed my Spanish vocabulary for not knowing the words for tsunami or earthquake. But, I managed to convey to the security guard that we wanted him to call the property manager. She assured me that the tsunami risk was relatively small given that the earthquake had happened on the other side of the island, but honestly, I was still in panic mode and didn't really feel a whole lot better.

When we got home, we hopped onto the computer to look up news stories and figure out whether or not there was indeed a tsunami warning and discussed an evacuation plan should that possibility arise. Miasia came home from the massage appointment she had just been at and told us that she had felt the earthquake while she was on the table, but had been unsure of what it was until after the fact. We all emailed family and friends to assure them that we were ok. Despite the double dose of Xanax, I was still freaking out and on the verge of a full-on panic attack, so I left the main room for my bedroom to try and calm myself down. Miasia followed me and helped me talk through the intense panic that I was having. You see, not only do I have chronic anxiety issues, but also as an East Coast girl, I have little experience with natural disasters save for a few hurricanes. And in my mind, if you know how to prepare/where to be, you can live through hurricanes. Tsunamis seemed to have a whole different, much more deadly outcome. All I could think about was the tsunami that happened in Thailand several years ago and about how many people had died. Reading about the mass destruction and causalities in Port Au Prince only added to my sense of being Profoundly Not Okay.

The meds began to kick in a little, and we found that one way to deal with our fear and anxiety was with humor, so we sat around the table and made many jokes about just how fast we'd all die in some sort of disaster/apocalyptic situation where feats of physical strength and the ability to crawl through small spaces or run quickly from looming threats (giant walls of water, collapsing edifices, zombies) was required. That helped.

After an hour or so, someone announced that the tsunami warning had been lifted, and I felt much much better. I sent a follow up email to my people to reassure them that I really was going to be ok. Naima and I did some yoga and breathing exercises, which also helped make me feel much more relaxed. We made ourselves sandwiches for dinner and watched Drop Dead Gorgeous, eager for some satire to help us endcap our harried evening.

At about midnight, we decided to walk to the beach and stick our feet in the ocean. I was still thinking morbid thoughts about how ironic it would have been had the tsunami had chosen that moment to come, but it didn't. The waves were rough and crashed loudly on the shore, but the sand on our toes was soft and the water rushing over our feet was warm. We stood under the light rain and watched the ocean. I thought about how scared and devastated people must be on the other side of the island.

When we got back to the villa, I crawled into bed and read the most vapid book that I could find, happy for the distraction. This morning, I feel infinitely grateful to my friends for being there and reassuring me when I felt like all I wanted to do was run through the streets and scream for help. We are enormously lucky to be okay, and there are many people just a few hundred miles away who cannot say the same thing.

Well y'all, I am on day 2.5 of vacation, and even though it has been raining all day and will likely continue to rain until Friday, I'm still mega grateful to not be in the sub-zero temperatures of NYC, shivering my ass off and looking sorrowfully at my painfully pale & chapped skin.

Saturday
I left my house at 4am after about an hour of sleep for Zoe's, where Zoe and Naima were waiting for me. We sleepily made our way out of the house and got incredible bagels on our way to Newark. The airport was insanely crowded at 7 in the morning, with lines that made me think we would very likely miss our plane. Luckily, we were ushered to a slightly shorter line where we checked in with no problem.

The plane ride was pleasant enough and relatively short, although Naima and I rolled our eyes at the older white ladies sitting next to us who were *shocked* that the customs forms were in Spanish first and English second. "Do they know what country they're visiting?" said Naima, eyes rolling.


As soon as we walked off the plane, a burst of warm air and sun hit us, and we were all instantly cheered. Two women in silver sequined outfits welcomed us to the Dominican Republic as we exited the plane, and a man took our picture with them. A minute later, a cheerful band of older men played music for us and the other exiting passengers as we walked by. Naima was slightly worried about going through customs because she had brought some tea with her and we were unsure of whether or not it was considered an agricultural product and therefore not allowed in the country, but it turns out we were worried for nothing.

First, they directed us to the tourist line, where we were ordered to buy a $10 "tourist card" for no discernible reason. But then, to our delight, we were offered complimentary rum and cokes at a makeshift bar set up right next to the tourist card booth. Even more humorous, the customs officers didn't even look at my customs sheet before waving me through. By that time, Naima had lost her customs paper altogether, but they said, "Eh, don't worry about it" and sent her on through too. Easiest border crossing ever!

We exited the airport into the heat and began changing our shoes and rolling up our pants. I started sweating, which felt like a bit of a miracle. There was much squealing from all of us about how happy we were to be on vaycay.




( Much much more under the cut! )

In the works for the rest of the week if it continues to rain: renting a car and do a little driving around the country. I was thinking we could visit Santo Domingo, and there are also underground cave tours offered that obviously don't require nice weather. It looks like we'll get a couple more beach days on Friday and Saturday, but of course we're crossing our fingers that the weather channel is wrong. When the weather is nice, we all want to go snorkeling and take a little trip to the mangroves (in addition to more time laying on the beach, of course).

Either way, I'm really really glad to be here. Spending time with four of my nearest and dearest is incredibly restorative, and rain or not, this is an absolutely perfect beginning to a new year.

Less than 4 days until I'm relaxing on a sunny beach on the northern coast of the Dominican Republic, and at this point, I am counting down the hours!

Fuck this bitter cold and the chapped-skin horse it rode in on.


Cabarete, here we come!

2010 is going to be a big year of travel for me. First, the DR and then San Francisco for NOLOSE in June. I'd like to fit in a trip to Vancouver & Seattle during the summer too, but that's all dependent on my ability to manage my money well. In August, I'm going on a 2-week vacation to Italy and possibly Sicily & Greece with my family! I'll probably ditch them after the first week and try to convince friends (HINT HINT) to meet up with me somewhere along the Mediterranean.

And since I haven't done one of these in ages, ( State of the Me )

In exactly one week, I will be laying on a sunny beach on the northern coast of the Dominican Republic with Tania, Miasia, Naima, and Zoe. LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN!

Given that it's a balmy 18 degrees out and drafty windows means that it's just as windy inside as it is outside, I can barely contain my excitement.

For now, I have some pictures share! Here are a few from the holidays.


I might have put more effort into wrapping them than I did into acquiring them this year.


The fam and I decided to try and take family portraits at home, and it was actually pretty fun! Me + the sisters. To get us to smile, my mom started doing a little dance behind the camera.


One of the many outtakes.


The winning photo that will be hung over the mantle. Ain't we just adorable?

And finally, the last few outfits of the year:


1. Outfit of the Q-WAVE holiday party, where I tied this girl in an epic staring contest. Dress: H&M / Necklace: Forever 21 / Tights: Target? / Boots: Duo
2. DC Femme Reunion brunch outfit! Shirt & tank: Old Navy / Skirt: $5 from H&M / Tights: Target? / "Thigh high" socks: Target / Boots: Naturalizer via Piperlime
3. Outfit of the Korean chicken wing dinner with Zoe & co. Dress: $15 on sale from H&M! / Necklace: Forever 21 / Leggings: H&M / Boots: Duo (I wore these almost every day last winter, and they're still holding up! SO worth it.)


4. Outfit #1 of the ill-advised Filene's shopping spree with Miasia & i_dreamed_i_was. Fucking incredible super stretchy sweater dress: BCBG! It was on sale for $40 down from $200. / Shoes: Urban Outfitters
5. Outfit #2 of the ill-advised Filene's shopping spree with Miasia & i_dreamed_i_was. Joan Holloway-inspired vintage repro by Tahari. This dress was a major WIN because I had been coveting a similar dress at H&M for ages, but couldn't find it in my size even after scouring about 6 different locations. This one, I think, is even better than the original, IMO. / Belt: H&M / Shoes: Urban Outfitters
6. NYE outfit! Dress: Target / Cardigan: Old Navy / Belt: Forever 21 / Tights: Lane Bryant? / Shoes: Urban Outfitters

In reflecting over this past year, if asked to sum up what it's meant to me, I'd have to say that 2009 was absolutely the year that I learned more about myself than in the last 5 or so years combined.

I don't know if it was my amazing therapist or that I was just finally ready to receive the knowledge, but personal growth (often painful) has been my #1 2009 life lesson. I definitely feel myself beginning to enter into my Saturn Return, and I can already see that it's going to be more painful, but rewarding growth for the foreseeable future. Scary stuff.

I had an incredibly intense and productive therapy session on Tuesday, and Susan, my therapist, looked at me and said, "Tara, I was just thinking that as I look at you now, you look 10 times more alive than you did when you first came to see me." She's so right. Last winter, at the end of my relationship with The Lawyer, I felt so defeated, dejected, and depressed that I could barely even begin to re-imagine my life. Now, I thank my lucky stars every day that not only am I not with her anymore, but that I will never ever be with anyone like her again. I guess we all have to go through a soul-crushing relationship to learn that we never want one again, right?

So that said:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Went to Jamaica, jumped off a cliff, bruised a tailbone, took on an international lover, really and truly loved my job, had an intense and long-standing unrequited crush, kept the same job and apartment for more than 2 years, attended my 10 year high school reunion, was committed to exercising regularly and kept it up, got quoted on someone's MA thesis, bought grown-up furniture like a couch and a bed, got a giant and beautiful tattoo that I had been wanting for 9+ years, tried on intentional celibacy for size.

( The rest of that Year in Review thingie. )

[x-posted to fatshionista]

( Buy my stuff! Vintage dresses & coat blowout! )

Is it just my late nite shopping addiction talking, or should I buy these IMMEDIATELY?!



Why yes, they do have the stupidest name ever, but I am dying of lust here people!